[Verse 1]

I never thought I'd resort to using a computer
To try and find love, 'cause that stuff's just for losers.
But there must be others like me who simply work a lot
And are too busy to meet people, so I guess it's worth a shot.

Okay, let's pick a username, something amusing,
That can base my sense of humor
And is guaranteed to woo the babes.

Hmm, everything I choose is lame,
I use my first name and birthday, yup,
And no one else would do the same.

Now it's time to find a profile pic,
Something tasty
That the ladies
Won't be able to resist.

I take one from Facebook;
N- actually, wait.
I'm conscious with a knob on my face
Isn't a great look.

Finally I fill out my profile creatively;
"How often do you drink?"
Uh, occasionally.
"Do you smoke?"
Yeah but not regularly though...

A few more tweaks, hit save,
And I'm ready to go!

[Chorus]

When defining someone becomes a charge,
Or I've had enough of bar crawls and dance floors,
Or the marker is a partner who can make me quite the laughter,
But who looks like Mrs. Carter.

Is that too much to ask for?

When defining someone becomes a charge,
Or I've had enough of bar crawls and dance floors,
Or the marker is a partner who can make me quite the laughter,
But who looks like Mrs. Carter.

Is that too much to ask for?

[Verse 2]

Now I'm browsing through profiles to take a peak
And the results are underwhelming to say the least.
I know you shouldn't judge a book by its cover,
But if these are their best photos,
Then how bad are the others?

I pick a few that look promising or what first had seemed,
But as a redone I notice some reoccurring themes;

A lot of similar pictures and words o'
Advice, it was a bit deep, so I start reading between the lines:

If she says that she's bubbly, don't be fooled or misled,
'cause that's code for "not the sharpest tool in the shed."
And if she says that she's curvy, that generally means,
That when she sees vending machines, she empties 'em clean.

And with their photos I also noticed a couple things:
Camera angles designed to hide their double chins.
I know that the camera never tells lies,
But I beg to differ if they're ever held high.

[Chorus]

When defining someone becomes a charge,
Or I've had enough of bar crawls and dance floors,
Or the marker is a partner who can make me quite the laughter,
But who looks like Mrs. Carter.

Is that too much to ask for?

When defining someone becomes a charge,
Or I've had enough of bar crawls and dance floors,
Or the marker is a partner who can make me quite the laughter,
But who looks like Mrs. Carter.

Is that too much to ask for?

[Verse 2]

I get a notification and for a moment
I'm filled with hope and elation,
'cause this could be the most important message I'm ever about to view.
I take a deep breath and open it:
Hey, hun, how are you?

I send out a few, but get no responses back,
I'm 'bout to jack it in when someone new wants to chat.
She's into movies, music, and cookery, too.
But she's a looker to boot.
This is too good to be true!

Over the coming weeks we correspond regularly.
I can't believe it, it feels like it was meant to be.
Eventually we agree to meet in person,
It's the first time in ages I've actually felt nervous!

I'd love to tell you that the story ended happily.
But that rarely ever happens in reality.
Let's just say the pictures she had provided
Made her liable in court for false advertisin'.

[Chorus]

When defining someone becomes a charge,
Or I've had enough of bar crawls and dance floors,
Or the marker is a partner who can make me quite the laughter,
But who looks like Mrs. Carter.

Is that too much to ask for?

When defining someone becomes a charge,
Or I've had enough of bar crawls and dance floors,
Or the marker is a partner who can make me quite the laughter,
But who looks like Mrs. Carter.
And is just as good a dancer

Is equally at home with a glass of carver lager.
Is smart enough to graduate from Harvard with a Master's.
Who isn't into drama, with breasts like Dolly Parton
And preferably a rich father.

Is that too much to ask for?

[Outro]

Well, is it?
I don't think so.

I mean, all that stuff's just standard, right? Okay, okay, maybe she doesn't have to be a dancer.
But everythin' else is essential.
I mean, okay.
She doesn't have to have an actual Master's degree from Harvard.
But she's gotta be smart.
And, you know, the rich dad thing?
Pff, I guess I could take or leave.
But everythin' else is strictly non-negotiable.
Apart from the lager and carver thing.
And the Beyoncé thing.
Obviously.
But anything else is a deal breaker, I mean, what's even left after that, you know?
But I'm not tryin' to be a dick, but
I've just got high standards and I know what I'm lookin' for, you know?
Yeah, yeah.
Funny and boobs, yeah.