The famous Roman Empire,
Was the biggest, meanest neighbourhood.
We four were the baddest emperors,
And by Bad we don't mean Good!

My name is Caligula
A rotten, Roman pig-ula
If you told me a fib-ula
I'd hack your hands to stumps!
One time, I killed a priest
Who'd come to sacrifice a beast
You'd think it's sad that he's deceased
We all laughed like chumps!

I'm very hairy, but take note
If you so much as whisper 'Goat! '
With an iron rod you will be smote
In a good mood today, so I won't slit your throat!

I'm bad! He's bad!
A shameless rotten cad!
Do you still have limbs since meeting me?
Then I guess you should be glad!

Your nastiness was fabulous
But my name's Elagabalus
And I was far, far worse
Just listen to my verse
I was quite notorious
For catapaulting venomous
Snakes at Rome's enormous
Crowds, oh, how they fled
If you won a lottery prize
I'd give you bees, dead dogs and flies
My house guests got a nice surprise
A lion in their bed!

You'd think to children, I'd be cuter
No, I was their biggest executor
Used their guts to read the future
Says here I should get a job as a school tutor!

I'm bad! He's bad!
Could argue I was sad!
Hated through our empire
From Great Britain to Baghdad!

Afraid your claim is bogus
'Cause my name is Commodus
And no one else could be
A worse emperor than me
There never was a greater
Pretend gladiator
If the booing got too loud
Made the lions fight the crowd
Just one man was grander
Julius Alexander
So I killed him, see
'Cause I'm the emperor, me

I'm bad! He's bad!
My actions truly rad!
You only got the emperor job
'Cause you were chosen by your dad!

To me, you all score zero
My name is Emperor Nero
Evil men you're not
I'm the worstest of the lot!
My rule was full of fear-o
Yes, men from far and near-o
Called me a fighting hero
Or I would have them slayed!
Changed the Olympic season
So the medals went to me, son
Burned Christians for no reason
Just a fun game I played, you know

Poisoned my stepbrother
Ordered men to kill my mother
Tried to drown her but she fled
So I had her stabbed instead
Wait! There's more!
With my first wife, dear Octavia
I showed truly bad behaviour
Chopped her head off, gave it to
My girlfriend who I then killed too

I'm bad! So baddy!
Of badness, I'm the daddy!
Come on, I want to see
A more evil bloke than me!
You're bad! Real bad!
Nothing more to add!
We all thought that we were awful
But you were really, truly mad!
I'm the baddest emperor the Romans ever had.