Louis: It seems today, that all you see is violence in movies, and sex on T.V.
Peter: But where are those good old-fashioned values, on which we used to rely?
Brian: It used to be, a big time star was elegant as Garbo, or Hedy Lamarr.
Stewie: But now we get whores like Jenny Lopez, you want to curl up and die.
Chorus: Lucky there’s a Family Guy. Lucky there’s a man who positively can do all the things that make us-
Stewie: Laugh and cry!
Chorus: He’s a Family Guy!

Louis: When I was young, the songs were fair, with Mister Johnny Mathis, and Sonny and Cher.
Peter: But now we get Justin Timber-homo.
Louis: A heartache all gone awry!
Brian: The classic films were works of arts, the images were graceful, the stories were smart.
Stewie: But now we get Matrix Revolution, I’m sorry I know this doesn’t rhyme, but what the hell were you Wachowski Brothers thinking?!
Chorus: Lucky there’s a family guy, lucky there’s a fella, sweeter than vanilla, wholesome as a piece of-
Stewie: Apple Pie!
Chorus: He’s a family guy!

Lois: His smile’s a simple delight.
Chris: He lets me see the boobies on the internet sites.
Lois: Peter!
Meg: He bought me my cute little hat.
Brian: Yeah we should have a talk about that.
Chorus: About that! And his hat!

Brian: He’s mastered the comedy arts.
Stewie: He says, “Look out, Hiroshima!” then casually farts. (fart sound effect)
Lois: He’s loaded with sexy appeal.
Peter: And best of all my titties are real. Have a feel!
Brian: No thank you.
Stewie: I gave it the office.
Lois: The Brady Bunch has got their Mike and pretty Laura Petrie has Dicky Van Dyke. But who around here could fill those loafers?
Chorus: But here’s a happy reply. Lucky there’s a family guy. Lucky there’s a man who positively can do all the thing that make us-
Stewie: Laugh and Cry!
Chorus: He’s a Family Guy! He’s a Family Guy!!!

Lois: Oh My! Thank you very much! What a welcome.
Peter: I am gunna buy each and every one of you a beer after the show. Whoa, whoa, whoa! I’m kidding for Christ’s sake, I’m not serious. That’s expensive! Look, just the fact that I came up with the idea should tell you I’m generous; I shouldn’t actually have to spend any money.
Meg: Uh, can we turn the spotlight down a bit?
Brian: Yeah, it is a little bright.
Stewie: You know Brian, I- I just noticed something. With that light shining on you from that angle, you look a lot like Jamie Farr.
Brian: Yeah, you’ve told me that before and uh, it’s interesting, because I’m thinking you look a lot like Britney Spears.
Stewie: Really?! How so?
Brian: Well, you- you got that thing going on with your eyes like Britney does. You know where…
You know how her eyes are just like a hair too far apart? Uh, a- a- almost like there was some immediate post-birth surgery that should have been done but it was the south, so they didn’t have the medical technology.
Stewie: Oh, I see.
Chris: Mom!
Lois: Yes honey?
Chris: I have a wedgie.
Lois: Chris, honey, wait until the intermission. Then you can fix it.
Peter: Well, we got a lot of fun stuff lined up here tonight. We got music, we got comedy, we got behind the scenes crap from the show.
Lois: That’s right! For example, not a lot of people know this, but in one episode of the show there was a flashback of Brian when he was a puppy. Now, they couldn’t find a puppy who looked enough like him, so they actually built a dog suit for the scene, and the actor of inside the suit was Raven-Symoné, who was Olivia on the Cosby show.
Brian: Fascinating bit of trivia.
Peter: All right, okay, I got one for ya. You know the sound stage where we shoot Family Guy is the same stage where they shot the Golden Girls back in the 80’s, right? Now one of the stage hands was telling me a- a pretty intense story. I guess there was one night when they were all ready to shoot, and uh, the audience was waiting. And uh, nobody could find Bea Arthur. So everybody’s freaking out and uh, then one of the producers runs in and says “Cancel the show tonight. Bea Arthur’s in jail!
Lois: Oh My God!
Peter: Yeah. Apparently she had a little too much to drink before the show and uh, they found her standing on the street corner, exposing her penis to traffic.
Brian: Oh My God!
Meg: Ew! That’s Disgusting!
Peter: Can you believe that?
Brian: Wait a minute. How the hell can Bea Arthur have a penis?
Peter: Eh, special permit.
Stewie: I say, what is it with these actors? They’re perfectly normal people in civilian life and then they come out to Hollywood and just go fucking berserk.
Brian: You gotta watch your language, kid.
Stewie: Oh, it’s a record album for God’s sake. Let’s cut loose a bit.
Chris: Nipples! Hehe.
Stewie: Perfect example. Although I must say I am amazed at the language you can get away with on television these days. I- I was watching Law and Order the other night and I swear to god, I heard someone use the word ‘balls’. And I thought to myself, “My God, that- that Dick Wolf just does whatever he damn well pleases, doesn’t he? Bringing words like ‘balls’ into America’s living rooms. I wonder how he’d like it if I just walked into his living room a- and use the word ‘balls’.
Brian: Uh… I think that would be breaking and entering.
Lois: You know, I am so glad they allowed us to bring Stewie this evening. The last show we did we had to leave him at home. They didn’t allow babies in the theater.
Brian: Well of course. People wanted to be able to enjoy the show
Stewie: I am a show you lack-witted beetle head! Ugh! Oh what a night that was. My babysitter was a total bitch.
Lois: Stewie! That’s very rude. Especially since your babysitter is here tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Hailey Duff.
Hailey Duff: Hi Mr. and Mrs. Griffin
Peter: How’re ya, sweetheart?
Lois: So was it really that bad babysitting Stewie?
Hailey Duff: You want the truth? Well, okay. So after you and Peter left for dinner, I- No. Wait a minute. Let’s tell this story right. Chorus please.