Quagmire: Baby you were crazy if ya thought
I loved ya 'cause the 'Q' man loves nobody but himself.
Patti Lupone: I never knew how twisted a fella could be.
Quagmire: Hey I guess it's good I never told ya I'm into pee!

PL: Don't you ever listen to your inner conscience
Q: (spoken) Oh, I'm sorry babe, I wasn't listenin'. What?
PL: You really are a total scum.
If only you could see the man that you've become!

Q: Baby you were crazy if ya thought I loved ya
'Cause the 'Q' man loves nobody!
PL: You really love nobody?
Q: And boy I mean nobody!
PL: And boy you mean nobody!
Q: But my own sweet flippin' self!

(spoken) All right, whatever your problem is, just get it off your breast. Chest.

PL: I thought you gave me your heart.
Q: (spoken) I gave you VD, isn't that enough?
PL: You said that we'd never part.
Q: (spoken) Oh I was just kiddin'!
PL: You gave me your lover's vow!
Q: Ha! If you really thought I meant it you ought to get your head examined right now!

PL: You'd tell me you'd never stray!
Q: (spoken) Well, that's 'cause we hadn't had sex yet!
PL: And then you just walked away.
Q: (spoken) Ain't I a stinker!
PL: Your attitude really stank!
Q: Look! You don't need to be a genius to see that I was givin' you the yank yank!

PL: (spoken) What else did you BS me about?
Q: (spoken) Well, since you asked…

(sung) Remember when I said that I was goin' down the block
to grab a couple boozers with a pal?
PL: Yeah. You had a friend from college that you had to meet.
Q: Nah. I was at the women's shoe store lookin' at feet! (What?)

'Member when I said I had a dental checkup.
Well let me say I give quite a root canal. Oh right!
PL: You promised me that you'd be true!
Q: Hey! To me you're just vagina number 602.

Baby you were crazy if ya thought I loved ya
'Cause the 'Q' man loves nobody!
PL: You really love nobody?
Q: And boy I mean nobody!
PL: And boy you mean nobody!
Q: But my own
Both: sweet flippin' self!

PL: (spoken) What do you have to say for yourself, you slime?
Q: (spoken) Can I just sqeeze your left tit, a little bit?

PL: (spoken) You're the most insensitive man I've ever met
Q: (spoken) Oh, that's not true. I've got feelings same as the next guy.
Why, last week, my grandma died, I was really upset.
PL: (spoken) Oh, I'm sorry.
Q: (spoken) So how 'bout a hand job?

'Cause the 'Q' man loves nobody!
PL: You really love nobody?
Q: And boy I mean nobody!
PL: And boy you mean nobody!
Q: But my own
Both: sweet flippin' self!

Q: (spoken) C'mon, honey, I'll make it up to you.
I'll buy you some lingerie. Giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity!