I've no alibi, I'm so bad I cry
I've no alibi, laugh until I cry

I talk shite, shite, shite, and they buy, buy, buy, buy it
I talk shite, shite, shite, and they buy, buy, buy, buy it

I wish I was cute and I looked the part
Gold chain round my neck and on each arm a tart
I wish I was cool with the hip crowd in
I could take all my lyrics and throw them in the bin
I'd have a six pack stomach like your man Andre
Drive round in my jeep and at nightime 'Parte'
I'd write throwaway lyrics, with no meaning at all
And I'd work on my appearance for the MTV ball
Care more about how I looked and how I came across
Than the drivel I was writing, for words I'm at a loss
I could put out what I liked, just as long as it had a beat
And the masses would love it, they would mob me on the street
Pour some serious money into the video
Have some fly girls shaking their asses don't you know
I could dress up like a gangster rapper and pretend I'm from the street
Even if I was a rich white idiot

Everyone would love me, they'd have no feckin choice
Coz I'd be pushed right down their throat
Not once, not twice but thrice
In the papers, up on billboards, in the news and on your screens
I'd be haunting you, you'd probably even see me in your dreams
And the media monster, I'd be riding on its back
I'd be hunting poor unfortunates, with my truncheon eardrums crack
Get an overall tan, sign my autograph for a quid
And I'd put across a message that would say this to a kid
I'm so trendy, I'm so talented, I'm so handsome. I'm so cool
Buy my tape and praise me, I'm a god you fool
You're not trendy, you're not talented, you're not handsome, you're not hip
I'll be all these things for you and my lyrics will equip
Equip you for Eh? Eh? Mmm ?
Oh yeah, CDs, posters, T-shirts, all my ice cool merchandise
So go now, quickly as you can, to your nearest retail outlet
And don't be shy my friend, spend, spend, spend, spend, spend
Spend, spend, spend, spend, spend, and remember that
I LOVE YOU.