Back in the not-too-distant past
When I would need a quick repast
Or a temporary break from my agenda
Off to the bedroom I would head
Pull out the Playboy from 'neath the bed
And sneak a peek at all the portraits of pudenda

My alternatives were slim
If I tried to find another source for sin
I'd have to hang out with the weirdos in the back room of my local video store
But last month I finally made the call
I got a brand new cable modem installed
And it opened up the floodgates on a whole new universe of Internet porn

(Internet porn) Roman orgy scenes
(Internet porn) dominatrix queens
(Internet porn) girl on girl on girl on girl on girl on guy on sheep
(Internet porn) gross anatomy
(Internet porn) Pam and Tommy Lee
(Internet porn) when you're given so much to choose from, who has time to sleep?

After my girlfriend goes to sleep
Then I get out of bed and down the hall I creep
So I can hunker down and wallow in depravity until 3:00 or 4:00
You'll always find me in that same tableau
Silhouetted by my monitor's warm glow
And absorbing all the bounty from the cornucopia of Internet porn

(Internet porn) barely legal teens
(Internet porn) naughty figurines
(Internet porn) geriatric German grandmas spanking Spanish men
(Internet porn) erotic Asian art
(Internet porn) guys with extra parts
(Internet porn) I don't think I'm ever going to see the sun again

(Internet porn) melon-love.com
(Internet porn) there's my neighbor's mom
(Internet porn) bikers wearing diapers chasing nurses dressed like Smurfs
(Internet porn) Maison l'Esclavage
(Internet porn) un, deux, trois menage
(Internet porn) every kind of smut from every corner of the Earth