I wish I were a bird
'Cause if I were a bird then I could take wing high above you
You could watch my white wings flap
And I could take a great big crap on anyone who tried to hurt you
But then I'd have to desert you
Flying southward in the fall…
I don't want to be a bird after all

I wish I were a dog
'Cause if I were a dog then I'd do tricks to show I love you
I could run and fetch the stick
And I could sit right down and lick my privates when your Mom came over
But if I was your Rover
You'd have my testicles recalled…
I don't want to be a dog after all

CHORUS
Lai da dai, lai da dai, lai da dai, lai da dai
Lai da dai, lai da dai, lai da dai
Lai da dai, lai da dai, lai da dai, lai da dai
Lai da dai, lai da dai, lai da dai

I wish I were a deer
'Cause if I were a deer then we could play out in the forest
'Til you shot me by mistake
Then you would carve me into steak with a touch so sweet and gentle
Keep my head as a memento
Hangin' in the upstairs hall…
I don't want to be a deer after all

I wish I were a monkey
'Cause if I were a monkey, I could be your furry jester
And whenever you were blue
You'd come and see me at the zoo; my antics would be reassurin'
But I would always reek of urine
And throw my feces at the wall…
I don't want to be a monkey
I don't want to be a monkey
I don't want to be a monkey after all

CHORUS (repeat ad nauseum)