if i have to walk in on my roommate one more time,
sitting with his hand upon his lap...
filling my computer screen with pictures dirty and obscene
it may be the last before i snap

if i have to walk in on my roommate one more time,
looking at me with those guilty eyes,
grabbing a blanket in one swift motion, not to mention my bottle of lotion
i may have to say my last goodbyes

i understand the primal need to relieve oneself of course
and i’ve accepted the fact that some guys like watching girls jerk off a horse
but i can’t believe the rudeness, the lack of courtesy
it’s okay to use my towel but not without asking me... okay?

if i have to walk in on my roommate one more time
and ask him to delete three gigs of porn
i mean i’m not usually picky, but my keyboard’s always sticky
so excuse me if i treat him with some scorn!

if i have to walk in on my roommate one more time
not looking quite so guilty anymore
he says “nah, you might as well just stay, i’m about to blow it anyway.”
i think i may just push him out the door

i don’t mind how he tries sometimes to make out with the screen
just a spray or two of windex and for a day or two it’s clean
now i don’t like to condescend and i don’t want to nag
but if you violate one of my bagels, don’t put it back in the fucking bag!

so if i have to walk in on my roommate one more time
sitting there in stolen lingerie,
holding in his rosy palm a topless picture of—my mom!?
i don’t think i’m gonna let him stay.

but maybe i will.