Mama was the one who reached down and tied my shoelace.
Mama spit on her fingers and used it to clean dirt off my face.

Brush your teeth, Q-tip your ear,
take off your sister's new brassiere.
Watch PBS, not Deputy Dawg,
don't you eat that Lincoln Log.

Oh mama I still don't believe
it's true: The tooth fairy was you.
No Way!

I love you maaaaaama,
more than than paaaastrama,
way more than Jeffrey Daaaahma,
even more than my NFL paaaaajamas.

Mama always calmed down dad when he got too mean.
Like the time he almost hit me for stealing his Juggs magazine.

Stop your jumping,
you'll break the bed.
Don't you fill up
on the bread.
Take those
Take those
(trying to read cue card)
Take ... carrots out of your nose,
that's not a hat that's pantyhose.
Don't play baseball in your suit,
that Magnum PI's very cute.
Don't forget Vick's Vapor-rub,
stop masturbating in the tub.
Thanks for making corn beef hash,
and putting powder on my rash.
(So much better.)

I love you maaaaaama,
more than golf with Arnold Paaaaalmaaaa,
more than yellow moons in Lucky Chaaaaamaaaas,
Def Leppard's drummer only had one aaaaaaamaaa.

Oh, Mrs. Nealon, yes it's true,
Kevin's gonna sing to you.

Come on Kevin.

I love you maaaaaama

Come on, keep goin'.

More than films by Brian DePaaaaalmaaaa.

Thanks for being my date to the praaaaamaaaa.

Thanks for writing that note to the draft
board that said I was gay so I got out
of Vietnaaaamaaa.

Mom your way better than the World Trade Center baaaaamaaaa.

Who's name by the way is Mohamed Salaaaamaaa.

I love you even more than Richard Gere loves the Dali Laaaaahmaaa.

And Richard Gere was also good in "Sommersby",
which was a melodraaaamaa.

Oh, all you moms out there oughta know,
we kids love you so.

Have a Happy Mother's Day.
Thank you very much!
Thank you!

Adam Saaaandlaaa.